


The Karen Conspiracy

by UisceOneLove



Series: The Super Store AU No One Asked For [4]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Ben just wants things to be normal for once, Bonding time for Five and Klaus, Conspiracy Theories, Five thinks he's a smart little shit but sometimes he really isn't, Gen, Humor, Klaus is such a conspiracy theorist, The realities of customer service, We all need our vices man, does this count as fluff?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:33:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23301712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UisceOneLove/pseuds/UisceOneLove
Summary: The worst thing anyone should do is encourage Klaus and his conspiracies.Of course, that's exactly why Five had to do it.
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & Diego Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves & Luther Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves/Klaus Hargreeves, Klaus Hargreeves & Luther Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Ben Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Diego Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Klaus Hargreeves
Series: The Super Store AU No One Asked For [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1340551
Comments: 12
Kudos: 163





	The Karen Conspiracy

**Author's Note:**

> This was written months ago but I forgot to post it. Figured now was as good a time as any. 
> 
> It was also inspired by my best friend because she demanded it. She knows who she is. I know she's pleased with herself.

Ben gave up long ago on hoping for a normal day. He loved Klaus, he did. But there were a lot of things that went on in Klaus’ curly head that Ben didn’t understand.

Other times he could see the cogs turning perfectly.

Like now.

“I was promised that this machine would make what I wanted. Now I’m supposed to pay additional money for a design?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Klaus replied in his Customer Service drawl. “That’s how the company is setting it up now. They want most of the designs as a digital template so you can download it into the machine without an extra piece or step to go through.”

Ben should have taken her instead of Klaus. He really should have.

“Well, why didn’t anyone tell me that?” the customer demanded, short hair bobbing with each jerk of her head.

Klaus’ smile went even sharper while keeping pleasant. “Did an employee not answer any of your questions when you came in to buy it?” he asked.

Every time. This happens every time with these women.

Her face curled with superiority and disapproval. “No. I didn’t ask any. I shouldn’t have to ask, you should be telling me what I need to know.”

Klaus nodded and Ben could see how hard his brother was gripping the scanner gun.

“It would have been everything that comes up on the company’s website when you looked at it.

“So now it’s _my_ job to research the product _you_ are selling?” she countered, arms crossed and back straight.

“How silly of me to assume that you had looked into something you wanted,” Klaus replied sweetly, “I’m so sorry this has inconvenienced you.”

“Are you going to refund my money or not?” the customer asked, more impatient than ever. Ben was gearing up for what was going to happen next. He pressed the button of his headset and quickly turned away from the upcoming crime scene.

“Diego, I think we’re going to need some assistance up here,” Ben said, casting a furtive glance over his shoulder to make sure Klaus hasn’t started spilling blood.

“What’s the problem?” Luther asked first.

“I’m sorry, ma’am,” he heard Klaus (gleefully, he might add) saying, “but your receipt puts the purchase date past our thirty-day policy.”

Ben winced. This was going to be brutal if they don’t put a stop to it fast. “Klaus is having some difficulty with an upset customer.”

Diego’s sigh was loud on the other end of the headset. “You’re saying it’s a Code K?”

“Excuse me?!” The woman screeched. “But I didn’t even use it!”

“Yes,” Ben answered, “A _big_ Code K.”

“I’ll handle this one,” Luther responded.

“Take Klaus on his break, Ben.”

“I demand a manager! This is unacceptable!”

“Of course, ma’am,” Klaus replied.

It’s only times like these when Ben has ever seen Luther move through the store so quickly. Except when the regional or district managers would show up, that is. But his massive frame was gliding between drive-aisles until he could come to a smooth stop right next to Klaus’ register.

“That would be me, ma’am,” Luther stepped in. “What would be the problem?”

Ben grabbed Klaus and booked it to the other side of the store.

“Ben,” Klaus started.

“Don’t,” he urged, “just hold it for another thirty seconds, dude.”

Klaus was looking rabid, winding up for the rant Ben knew all too well by now. “I’m telling you—”

“Klaus—”

“They’re all the same!”

“I know, Klaus.” Ben was practically dragging his brother along. He jabbed the break room’s code into the keypad frantically.

“Why won’t anyone listen to me?” Klaus demanded. “They all want to ignore the truth!”

Ben threw open the door as soon as the lock clicked and shoved Klaus inside.

“They’re all aliens, Ben!” he declared with his hands thrown up high.

Ben slouched against the door as it shut and covered his face.

“Just _who_ are aliens, Klaus?” A voice piped up.

Oh. Oh great.

Ben peeked through his fingers to see Five at the table with a bound stack of pages in front of him and a pen in his hand. That must be a copy of Vanya’s book. Ben heard her saying that the kid had asked to take a look at it.

“Please don’t,” Ben tried but fell immediately on deaf ears.

“The Karens!” Klaus exclaimed.

Five’s grin was downright shark-like. “The Karens?”

Ben gave up and fell into a chair with his head dropping to the table.

“Here we go again,” he sighed.

“Yes! Karens!” Klaus took the seat next to him, eager and furious. Never a good mix for the guy. “With their sharp bobs and self-entitlement and basic bitch Starbucks orders!”

“ _You_ like basic bitch Starbucks orders,” Ben pointed out and not for the first time, “you’re first in line for a pumpkin spice latte.”

“To research, Benny-Boo,” Klaus stated, “and to blend in.”

“And how are these Karens all aliens, Klaus?” Five asked. The kid _had_ to be setting something up. Why else would he encourage it?

“Because they look alike!” Klaus insisted. “It’s a uniform! And they’re always treating everyone else as if they’re subservient! They’re here to slowly take over the planet!”

Ben heard the break room’s door open. The other seat next to him got slid out and creaked when weight was settled into it.

“The Karen Conspiracy?” Diego asked Ben, all too knowing.

The poor guy. If he knew it already and still chose to date Klaus then he was a goner.

“Blame your son this time,” Ben replied.

“Five,” Diego sighed.

Ben finally looked up from the table to see that grin still in place while the boy shrugged.

“I’m interested, dad,” Five countered. “Don’t you think it’s a fascinating idea?”

“Yeah, D,” Klaus pressed with an expectant look, “don’t you?”

Diego crossed his arms, leaning back into the chair. “Aliens are bullshit.”

Klaus, offended, put his hand on his chest. “Et Tu, Diego-eh?”

Diego rolled his eyes. “You already know what I think about this conspiracy shit, Klaus.”

Five tutted at his father with disapproval as he shook his head.

“There’s scientific evidence that other lifeforms _do_ exist in space,” he informed his father with all of the disappointment laid on thick.

“Five, you’re really going to encourage this?” the man asked.

“Why not?” Five challenged. “Most claims and evidence state that it’d take millions, if not lightyears before we ever meet one of those extraterrestrial species. But who can really say that some didn’t already arrive and are living amongst us?”

Ben and Diego looked between the other two. Klaus sniffled and grabbed Five from over the table to hug him.

“Oh, Five!” Klaus cooed, “I knew there was hope for you!”

A disgruntled Five attempted to fight the hold. “And I have always known there is none for you.”

“And yet you two are the ones who agree there’s life beyond here,” Ben said with a snort. He believed it too, but he wasn’t going to encourage Klaus’ conspiracies like this Karen thing.

“I’m telling you, Benny, they’re aliens with a hive mind who are being protected from the lizard people!”

He desperately wished that the silence was a good one. Ben could see Five ready to break it.

“Lizard people?” Five asked delightedly.

Diego looked like his entire world was caving in. “Oh, God, no.”

Klaus ignored Five’s recoil as he grabbed the boy’s hands.

“I have so much to teach you, little one,” Klaus said. “It is my destiny to open your eyes.”

Five looked to Diego, who was already shaking his head and standing. “You’ve dug your own grave with this one. There’s no hope for you now, mijo.”

Ben quickly grabbed the door when Diego made his escape so that he could make his own.

“Ben, maybe I can assist you,” Five tried next.

“Sorry,” Ben replied with absolutely zero sympathy, “enjoy The Board.”

Five grew alarmed. “Board?”

Ben’s last sight was of Klaus scooted up right next to the boy with a massive grin.

When Luther approached the break room, Ben quickly put a hand out to stop him. “Not a good time.”

Understanding and fear slid right into place on Luther’s face. “The Board?” he asked.

Ben nodded. “The Board.”

Luther started to back away.

“I’ve got some receipts to check back at the register,” Luther said. “Klaus can just get an extended lunch.”

“And Five?”

Luther nodded, solemn. “And Five.”

Ben watched Luther’s retreat before he made his own in the direction of the kid’s crafts aisle.

It was about time Five learned his mistake.

* * *

The next time Ben saw Five was an hour and fifty quantities of stocked up experiment kits later.

From his vantage point on the step-ladder, Ben could see Klaus all but skipping towards the front of the store. Five, on the other hand, took a slower time rejoining the team. The kid looked worse for wear.

All of them have had to share in the experience. Ben goes through it every night that Klaus isn’t shacking up with Diego.

It’s given him the apartment all to himself more lately, actually. Ben has enjoyed every second of it.

“You okay there, Five?” Ben asked as he descended the ladder.

Five came to a stop below him. “I will never forgive you or my father for making me sit through that.”

Ben sniggered. “You encouraged him, Five. You got what was coming to you. What happened to agreeing with him?”

“That was before he laid into a whiteboard full of theories!”

Ben shrugged. “And you’re telling me none of it got your attention?”

Five’s face found its mask for the first time all afternoon.

“I don’t have time for this.”

“That sounds like a yes to me.”

“It was nothing of the sort.”

“Sure. Because everyone else walked away when he’s shown us The Board. You stayed. For two hours.”

Ben was starting to get why Five loved to have the upper hand. Seeing the kid squirm was amazing. ”Which one was it?” He asked.

Five’s eyes twitched before he sneered. “I have work to do.”

With that, Ben was fully going to expect Klaus and Five to pull all-nighters together with The Board.

Good luck with that, Diego.


End file.
